Holy OMG Mother WTF this year has been off to a crazy start!
It’s been on my heart to write this post for weeks now, but lack of words and a bit of fear keep getting in the way.
That’s why I’m writing this in-the-moment without over-thinking…
Over the Christmas holidays I split from my sweetheart of 3.5 years. It was unexpected and the pain I’ve felt in the aftermath has been mega hard.
And at the same time, I’m also finding out how totally okay I am in each moment.
I get to remember to breathe and ground myself in my BEingness and listen to my own inner wisdom which says despite the pain of loss and the shock of such a sudden ending, I am still held and seen and cared for 50 trillion times over.
Because even though I feel scared sometimes and my fear tells me I will be alone forever, I get to remember that I am never alone. I always always always have ME.
I am my greatest friend and ally. I am my life partner. I am half the equation that made life with my former sweetheart so fun and loving and tender.
All the memories and love that was shared is still mine.
And above all, I loved. I loved with my whole heart and I lived from my the core of my loving nature and I experienced myself in new, and exciting ways.
For all of that I am deeply grateful.
It will take time for the grief to pass. It will take time for my heart to heal.
But as wise woman reminded me recently, “Our hearts are whole and can never be broken. It’s our stories that are broken.”
Isn’t that so true? My heart is good. My heart is whole. It’s the story I was telling myself about myself and my future that’s been broken. And there’s nothing wrong or bad about that.
A new story is being written and my work is to allow Life to show up in all it’s glory without trying to control, manipulate, or change it.
One of my mantras for the past month has been a quote by Rainer Maria Rilke:
“Let everything happen to you
Beauty and terror
Just keep going
No feeling is final.”
Amen! After nearly 40 year so living, I know these words to be true: No feeling is final.
Just keep going.
Here I am, where I ought to be, allowing Life to happen and finding out I am okay.
I am MORE than okay. I am surrounded by deeply loving and kind friends who have been journeying with me throughout my lifetime. In this regard I have a number of life partners, who all reflect back to me how valuable and worthy of love I am.
Not only that, I have the home I’ve created for myself, in all it’s coziness and messiness and quirkiness. I have the daily meals I cook and music I listen to and my kids whom I adore, along with students who come to my classes and participate in my online courses. I have a warm bed and electricity and heat and light and loads of good books to read.
In addition, I am reminded once again that I am a student before I am a teacher. I can create a course called When Relationships End, and have a dear friend ask me if I’ve listened to my own course, to which I said, “No, should I?” And she said, “Yes, you’d probably find it helpful.”
There is no arrival point. There is only living and loving and BEing oneself fully. There is constant learning and surrender and opening and trusting that Life is unfolding exactly as it’s designed to, and nothing is guaranteed except this moment.
So THANK YOU for BEing here with me. Thank you for journeying with me in this life.
It’s no small thing that you and I exist together on this planet, in these bodies, with these hearts, during this very specific time in all of eternity. For that, I am deeply, and endlessly grateful.
May you be well. May you be safe. May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you live with ease. May you know how good and innocent you are in your Beingness. May you feel yourself as eternal and resplendent in all you do.
The light within me bows to and honors the light within you.