This past year has forced me to become intimately aware of my lack of patience.
For example, just now, I opened Notes on my phone to type this post, and was immediately annoyed with having to change the app default from “Title” to “Body”.
It took me all of two seconds, but still. Annoying.
Then there’s the kids’ shoes on the stairs. It really isn’t any work to step around them, but still. Annoying.
There’s a million tiny, little things everyday that spike my impatience and annoyance.
And a million times a day, I’m faced with myself. I’m faced with my perceived need to control Life.
I breathe. I pause. I step over the shoes. I make a few extra clicks. The moment passes.
I move on quickly, and yet it feels SO BIG in those few split seconds of discomfort.
It’s uncomfortable because I’m choosing not to react. I’m choosing to not give it power. I’m choosing to surrender. I’m choosing to appreciate.
That’s the big one: Appreciation.
My precious kids are teenagers now. These are my final years with them living under one roof. And I feel fairly certain there might come a day when I cry my eyes out because their shoes are no long on the stairs.
It’s okay to feel impatient and annoyed. It’s okay to want to control Life’s messiness. We’re only human.
And, what I’m finding, is that Life’s messiness is what makes this life so precious and sacred.
There is so much beauty and tenderness in this mess… So much beauty and tenderness in our human hearts.
This impatience I feel speaks to my tenderness and vulnerability. It highlights my fear and lack of trust, and it invites me to soften.
“Relax and open” has been my minute-by-minute mantra this past year.
And minute-by-minute I resist, then choose to soften.
This Trusting-in-Life thing goes against so much of the pain and trauma we’ve suffered throughout our lives.
Trust is also our bridge to courage, vulnerability, and openness required to heal that pain and trauma.
Today, may you find the courage to appreciate what annoys you, Trust in Life’s sacred beauty, and see this moment for what it is: like no other; perfect in its messiness. I’m right here with you.
Sending you love today, and always.
xo – Jessica
“Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery it is. In the boredom and pain of it, no less than in the excitement and gladness; touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it, because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace.” ―Frederick Buechner